I have moved...

Hi everyone...

I have migrated my Blog to Wordpress so please continue to follow me at:

http://ramblingsrandomredhead.wordpress.com/

See you on the other side!

Sherry :)

Depression - A Personal Journey

Depression

A large amount of weight and meaning that applies to just one word.

I was not unfamiliar with the term or with the condition, having been exposed to it in many forms over the years from people I knew, but until you are personally exposed to it, until you actually have depression, you can’t really understand it. You can’t understand the incredible lows, lows that debilitate you, lows that you can’t pull yourself out of. Having the understanding that people telling you to ‘cheer up’ and all those other reassuring phrases don’t really help, because you can’t. It’s beyond you. Your feelings are actually out of your control. You can’t just ‘cheer up’. You can’t just get on with things. You can’t just feel ok or ‘get over’ what is troubling you. You can’t stop the sadness and the anxiety and the obsessing and the tears. It’s much bigger than you and you can’t control it. That’s the important piece of the puzzle that people without depression don’t always understand. You have no control.

Recently I saw a sign on the side of a building in New York City:

There is a stigma attached to having depression. Even in 2013 it feels like it is still a taboo subject. Like it’s something you don’t mention, as there must be something wrong with you. That it’s not real, that you are just a weak person. I am not a weak person, this I know. I know I am strong. I know I have been through a lot of trying things in my life but I have soldiered on, kept my head up, and just kept going because that is what you do as an adult. I don’t believe in victims, people who sit around saying ‘woe is me’, if you are not happy with your life, do something about it, go out and change it, only you have the power to do it and if you don’t at least try you have no right to complain. I always tried to stay positive and not be down or dwell on bad things that happened, I just readjusted and kept moving forward, but then one day I got to a point where I couldn’t move. I just couldn’t keep going. Even Pollyanna got to a point where she couldn’t play the ‘glad game’ anymore.

This point scared me. It scared me because I was not able to ‘pick myself up and dust myself off’. I felt incapacitated. I felt overwhelmed. I felt a sadness welling within me that I did not even think was possible to exist and I couldn’t drag myself up from that place. It consumed me. I couldn’t think clearly, I couldn’t think rationally, all I could do was cry… and cry I did. These weren’t light tears either, these were heavy, gut wrenching, emotional outbursts that just wouldn’t stop. I could not control them. And I wanted to. Every fiber of my being wanted to. I was so angry with myself, that I was acting as I was. Angry that I could not pull myself together. But in these early stages I didn’t understand what was happening and when over time, when over a few weeks it wasn’t getting better, when these feelings weren’t gong away and I couldn’t function. When it was affecting my day to day life and my health, I knew I had to do something about it.

Depression affects everyone differently. Some people can be incredibly sad and low, some can be angry and irritable, some can suffer from obsession or anxiety. There are a mix of symptoms and regardless of whichever ones you have, the outpouring of emotions is extremely exhausting. For me my initial symptoms, other than the immense sadness, was anxiety. I constantly felt sick. Sick to the point of throwing up. Which I did, constantly, for a week, even when there was nothing in my body to throw up, which ended with me in an emergency room late on a Saturday night getting something to make it stop. I felt humiliated. It was something out of my control but it was still embarrassing that I was so upset over some things that had happened in my life that I felt I should have been able to deal with. I was an adult right? But still at this point I didn’t know that depression had been triggered, I didn’t know that all of these things I was feeling were out of my control. I have control issues as it is, so this was a constant struggle for me. The vomiting eventually stopped, but the feelings didn’t.

By this point all I wanted to do was hibernate from the world. I was constantly on edge, my mind would be racing and at times my thoughts would become obsessive, being stuck on the one thing, playing over and over in my head like a needle stuck on a record. I couldn’t think straight. I couldn’t sleep. I couldn’t eat. It was not for want of trying, I would be hungry and get a meal but then I just couldn’t take a bite. I lost five kilos over three weeks, which may not sound like much, but for someone with a small frame like mine it was considerable. My clothes no longer fit. Some people would love this, actually being able to lose weight and go down a size in clothing, but I just looked in the mirror and hated the sight. One day I put on a dress to go down to the shops. I looked at myself in the mirror and I burst into tears. I hated the sight of myself. I thought I looked terrible. I am sure I didn’t but in that moment that’s all I could see. I called my Mum crying because I could not stop because I looked awful in a dress – this is how irrational my thoughts were. I have never had body issues and I was worried if I didn’t start eating properly that I would develop an eating disorder, so this further added to my own concerns.

At this point no one knew of my struggles either, well except my Husband and a couple of close friends, but the extent of my actual illness only my Husband knew as he was there to see it. He had to live with it every day. He had to live with the tears and the moods swings (of which there were many). If anyone deserves a saint hood it is him. In that first month, before the diagnosis, before the medication, my darkest period, he stood by me. He took it all, he looked after me, he couldn’t have been the more perfect person to have by my side. He was supportive and caring and understanding and loving. He comforted me and helped me and I will forever be grateful and love him for that, he is indeed a wonderful person and I was very lucky to have had him there.

One of the pressures I faced as well was that no one knew. I felt like I was keeping this big secret. It was exhausting pretending everything was ok and putting on a mask. But for so long I couldn’t talk about it as I just didn’t know what to say. I knew though that I needed to start talking to people about my problems and how terrible I was feeling, I couldn’t hide or pretend anymore. So that was what I did. That was my turning point. I also knew, after a month, that I needed help. Medical help. I just couldn’t do this on my own anymore. So with the encouragement of the few friends and family I had confided in, I went to my Doctor, took the ‘depression test’ and started on medication to try and help balance things out. Antidepressants don’t cure you by any means. They just help to balance you, make things more clear and give you the ability to cope and get through the day. They stop you from those terrible lows (to an extent), they help you get your appetite back, they stop the anxiety attacks and the obsessive thoughts and they just help you function. Well this is what they did for me. They have really helped me. I kept a diary for my first month on them, just dotting personal things down from day to day to see how I was going, as it takes a couple of weeks for them to take affect, and it was interesting to look back and see how far I had come, even in a short space of time, which reinforced I had done the right thing. I stopped hiding it and trying to be strong every moment, and if I was having a bad day, then that was how it was. But they gave me some clarity so I could start to look at the problems that had brought me to this place so I could start to address them one at a time. I was also able to identify triggers that would bring me down, so at least at times I had some control, I could choose what to think about and not think about, to an extent.

I decided the best thing for me was to take 2 weeks out for myself, to detach from the world, to go away and hopefully get some perspective on what was happening and some clarity. Thankfully work was very supportive in this, I just knew I needed to take this time for myself, actually do something for me. The time away was amazing. It was exactly what I needed. I was able to just relax, have some ‘me’ time and be without the pressures and responsibilities that had been weighing me down. I was able to just have fun, enjoy life and find joy again, something that had been missing inside me. I actually had good days, which I had not had for so long, I felt good. I felt like me, which I also hadn’t felt for a long time and I made some important discoveries, even in that short time.

It was also amazing how after deciding to open up to people, initially and after I had made certain life decisions, how incredibly supporting and loving so many people have been. Not that I didn’t think they would be, but the level of caring and checking in and sharing people have done with me has been amazing and so helpful and I will be forever grateful to those people. They have given me the strength and the courage to keep putting one step in front of the other each day no matter how hard it has been and still will be.

I still have bad days but that’s to be expected. But I don’t think my life is terrible. I know I have a good life, a good job, amazing family and friends who love and support me. I feel I have a good sense of self and know who I am, I don’t feel lost, I like who I am as a person, I just sometimes have bad days, but it’s getting better. Depression is not something that just miraculously goes away. I have addressed and started to work through some things that have got me here but I still have a lot of other things to work through as well. I know I have to take this time to work on me and then see what the future holds.

I have also found solace in this time through inspirational quotes, which I am sure my Facebook friends are sick of.  But they help me. I have tried not to be the depressing person on FB, I am sure at times I have failed at that, but I hope that the inspirations can help others, which is why I am writing this. I think it’s important for people with depression to not be embarrassed or ashamed of it. To just say, yes, this is what I have and today is not a good day but I am working through it and yes I will be ok. I want people to know that it’s ok to ask for help if you need it. It’s also hoping that people can be compassionate and understanding to others as some days can be a struggle that you can’t control, but there are good days as well, we aren’t sad and crying all the time, but that doesn’t mean our smiles aren’t hiding something either. You don’t need to look at us differently, or talk to us differently we are still the same person, just a little bit broken, but then aren’t we all? And sometimes having an ok day is actually good, it’s better than the alternative.

I will end with this quote from Haruki Murakami, which sums it up for me:

‘And once the storm is over, you won’t remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive. You won’t even be sure whether the storm is really over. But one thing is certain. When you come out of the storm, you won’t be the same person who walked in. That’s what this storm’s all about.’

How....?

A friend shared this post on Facebook recently. Sometimes you just read random things and it's as if it has been written specifically for you. I'm sorry I don't have the name of the person to credit for writing this, but I thank my friend for sharing it at that particular time...


How do you walk away from an intense yet love filled relationship and know that you will not only survive, but you will blossom and reach new heights of happiness and expansion than ever before?

You do it following your flow...

You do it trusting that you are supported. Not only by the Universe, but by loved ones who know you and can be that other set of eyes when yours are too filled with tears to see straight and know where your next step will be...

You do it with love in your heart, even though it feels like it's breaking, with compassion for your partner and your family and with trust vibrating in every cell of your body that everything is going to be OK...

You do it by playing by your own rules.. Not the ones that say this needs to run a negative hurt-filled course...

And you do it holding on to who you are, even though you may be a dreamer... because a dreamer is who you are...

That's how this little Soul believe it can be done.

NYC.....what is it about you?

This first week has nearly flown by but at the same time has not felt rushed at all - which is exactly what I wanted. Like any holiday or break you take it can take a day or so to unwind from the stresses of normal life and just relax....

My first full day I decided to just walk around and reacquaint myself with the city I have long held a love affair with. I was not wanting to push my way way through the hustle and bustle of tourists in Time Square (there is nothing fun or relaxing about that) so I decided that heading downtown to the Village (Greenwich Village) was exactly what I needed. Staying on 27th St it was a pleasant walk taking me through a variety of neighbourhoods as I meandered my way down. It was feeling really good to be back, as if I had never left. I finally arrived at Washington Square and perching on a bench opposite the fountain I was reminded of the lyric from Sweet Charity...

'Run to the Bronx or Washington Square, no matter where I run, I meet myself there....'

and in this moment it was very true. I sat and all the thoughts I had been trying to block out, trying to stop overwhelming me, came rushing in, as by stopping I had opened the door for them. No matter where you go you can't escape your problems and worries. Not that I was trying to do that by coming here. Coming to NYC was to remove myself from everything and just take a time out and try and get some perspective. So I decided while sitting on that bench that I was not going to be sad for my trip, I was not going to let things get me down nor would I ignore them, but in that moment I decided I was just going to enjoy being in this city, being on a holiday....just being. Taking in everything around me, relaxing and then seeing what happens at the end. So I stood up, walked out of Washington Square taking the first steps on my new journey.....

New York state of mind....

So I am off to NYC. It’s been 2 years since my last visit and, quite honestly, I can’t wait to get back. Back to the ‘Big Apple’...

My sojourns to the ‘city that never sleeps’, thus far, have been crammed packed with holiday fun – Broadway shows, shopping, Broadway shows, tourist attractions, Broadway shows…you get the picture. But this time it’s something else that leads me there. It’s time for a little soul searching…

Life has a way of throwing curve balls when you least expect it and this last year or so I have been hit with a few, well I have been dodging them, but finally they caught up with me and all at once it seems. When that many balls hit you, sometimes it’s very difficult to just get back up. This is one of those times. So I finally decided it was time for me to take a time out for myself. To do some self-healing and work out what the next path will be on my life journey. Where I want to be. How can I get back to being ‘me’, which at the moment, feels like some far off distant person that I can see but not quite make out. So where do you go to escape the world, where you can get lost in the hustle and bustle yet also find places to be on your own? Somewhere that feels familiar and fills a void…well for me it’s New York City.

So unlike my previous trips, where I have given a day to day account of all my exciting adventures, this blog will be different. I don’t know what I am going to do and what’s going to happen. I am just going to wake up each day and see where it takes me. Hopefully to a place of some clarity. Hopefully to a bar with some great cocktails. My bags are packed and I am ready to go…I think it’s time to spend a couple of weeks living the Carrie Bradshaw fantasy. I will try to share what I can. See you on the other side….

'and once the storm is over....'